**I want to approach this gingerly. I realize some people have suffered severe abuse and are now dealing with the resulting trauma and crisis of faith.
It’s important to note that I am only speaking from my own experience. I fully acknowledge and respect that each person’s experience of church hurt is unique and valid.**
Defining Church Hurt
There is no dictionary definition for the term, church hurt. The definition is broad, so I will define what it means to me. As I understand it, church hurt is a term used to describe the pain that can result from negative interactions with people (usually leaders) in a church. This experience can be abusive and can leave a lasting impact on an individual. It can cause them to lose interest in attending church or engaging in fellowship with other believers.
With Hebrews 13:17 in mind, I do my best to make sure that those who lead me can do so joyfully. In so doing, I feel that I have been taken advantage of. I don’t believe the people intended to hurt me. But it left me feeling disenchanted with church involvement, and a little bit with God. I’m not sure when actions cross the threshold into abuse. I do not believe my experience was abusive.
My Upbringing
Until I moved away for college at 19, I attended a church where my maternal grandfather was the pastor. Serving in the church was second nature for me. It was the C.O.G.I.C./Pentecostal denomination, so I practically lived at the church. IYKYK. I recall singing in the choir, cleaning the church, and ministering on youth night as ways to serve. While there, I learned other things, but at the forefront of my memory is the dos and don’ts of Christianity. Stuff like, don’t wear makeup or pants. Don’t even touch alcohol. Seriously, if you work in a grocery store, do not touch alcohol if someone comes to your register with it. If you do, you will be in trouble with God. C’mon, son! That is not what that scripture was saying. As I got older, I knew some things were off, but since I wasn’t driving yet, I went where my family went.
Ministry Life in My 20s
In my 20s, until I was in my 30s, I spent time at a ministry that I felt like I had been looking for my entire life. The teachings helped to loosen me from some of the legalities of Christianity that I had earlier learned. It helped me expand my faith and bring out my gifts. It was a place that helped me learn more about faith in God. I also learned about the love of God. This was emphasized rather than the rules.
To sum up my experience without going into too many details, I was involved in various roles at this ministry. My roles included serving on the praise dance team, sound ministry, and children’s nursery. I also handled church cleaning and served as the pastor’s secretary. Additionally, I was involved in event planning and scouting for new church locations. At some point, I did most of those things while attending school part-time and working full-time. I was relatively young and had more time and energy then. My life was church, work, and school, on repeat. I even spent some nights, my choice, sleeping at the church to finish work for events.
Moments that Hurt
I recall a couple of interactions that stung my heart.
- At one point, one of the leaders “encouraged” me to quit school. They wanted me to be more available to the ministry. That hurt. There seemed to be no appreciation for my wanting to grow in my life outside the church.
- Then there was a request to print a little “untruth” in a flier. I said no. I suggested the proper wording. That led to a long conversation. I felt strongly encouraged to see it their way. In other words, I was being manipulated. I was not about to lie to get people to come to church. It was as simple as saying something like, “opening soon” instead of “open now”. I don’t understand why ‘opening soon’ wasn’t good enough, because it was the truth.
Moving On
It was (probably) then that I started to feel like I was only valued for the things I did in the ministry. I felt appreciated only as long as I did what they wanted me to do.
I did quit school, though I do not recall if it was for that reason or for financial reasons, since I was paying my own way through school. I do remember the happiness that my focus could shift back to ministry when I told them I quit school.
I started to burn out. At some point, I stopped doing all the things and just sat in the seats. It was strange. At some point, in 2005, after 10 years of attending and serving, I left that church. I felt free and bound at the same time for a while. But then, I started living the most life I had ever lived.
This is just the first part of my journey. Sharing these moments is a way for me to process and reflect. My hope with sharing is that it helps someone else navigate their own story of church hurt.
To be continued…
If anything in my story resonated with you, I’d love to continue the conversation in a safe and respectful space. I host a small community on Discord. We can share experiences, ask questions, and encourage each other in our faith journeys. You’re welcome to join here:
Katrina's Waves 
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